Emmett's Guide to Sex
by jstarrh
Summary: An offshoot of Shotgun Charlie. Emmett tells his story of how his guide came to be. You may want to read Shotgun Charlie to fully appreicate how this story came to be.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N – Well here is my new story inspired by Shotgun Charlie. Emmett gives a little insight into how his book came to be! Hope you enjoy._

_I do not own these characters…they belong to SM_

It's only fair to begin at the beginning of this great adventure in order to tell how this book to came to be so here goes:

We met in the usual way.

Boy sees bear.

Bear mauls boy.

Hot vampire finds boy.

Hot vampire carries boy miles and miles to safety.

Boy becomes vampire.

Boy is eternally grateful.

After all she is HOT.

Okay, perhaps not your conventional story. I'm not conventional though.

That first year was a bit rough. It's a bit hard to get it on when all you want to do is drink the blood of the entire town. It kind of puts a damper on the whole sex drive. Not that I didn't give it a good try.

So after that first year we definitely made up for lost time. She was as creative as she was beautiful. I was no slouch either. Plus when you added in the whole superhuman strength thing it opened up a whole new world of options to us.

That did take some getting used to though. It got a little out of hand when you kept reducing furniture to a pile of rubble all the time. Esme really didn't like that either.

She was already part of a family that I eagerly embraced. I vaguely remembered that my original human family had been quite close and it was nice to have others who had been through this and who knew how to help me. As time went by our family was complete. Carlisle had Esme, Jasper had Alice and I had Rosalie. Edward of course was the odd man out. I don't use the term odd lightly either. Uptight didn't even begin to describe this kid.

He had to hear what went on in this house every night and yet he never was tempted to find his own mate. Hell, who even needed a mate, the boy just needed to get some with someone, anyone and release some of that pent up business he had going on. I figured that when we went to Denali it would be his perfect opportunity. Tanya was there and she wanted him, she wanted him bad and yet nothing…nada...zilch…zero. I mean she was basically throwing herself at him. If I didn't have Rosalie I would have taken a bite of that…thank goodness that Rosalie wasn't the one who could read minds she would have had my balls for that thought.

That was when I began to worry a bit about Edward. How did one survive so many decades without sex? It was hard enough to make it through school sometimes. Rose and I had been guilty on more than one occasion of sneaking away during lunch to well…you know. I shouldn't really have to spell it out for you. But in case you ever wondered I am capable of spelling…S-E-X. There you go. Trees were surprisingly good props. Who would have ever guessed?

Anyways...back to the subject at hand. After years of wondering about Edward…was he gay, straight? I really wanted to know what his story was. I held out hope for him, one day I was certain that he would meet someone, anyone at this point. I was getting a bit desperate for him since he seemed to show absolutely no interest in anything that was remotely doable.

After much internal debate I realized that on the off chance that he did find a woman one day he was going to need some guidance. And who was the better man to provide such wisdom than me? Not trying to brag but I had decades of experience and my woman was always satisfied. There were days when she found it hard to walk after a night with me and she's a vampire…just saying. So, I decided to impart my wisdom to him via a book. I debated various methods in the beginning…burn a CD, videos, flashcards but I decided that a book would hold up the best. After all who knew how long it would take him to find someone, books stood the test of time.

I of course had to enlist the help of Rose because in order to provide the best and most educational book out there I would need detailed illustrations. It was a must because Edward tended to need visuals at times. Plus I couldn't imagine him trying to visualize these things through mere words alone and while I didn't mind him picking my brain to get the necessary information I had a feeling he might not feel comfortable. The boy needed all the help he could possibly get otherwise I felt sorry for whoever decided to do the deed with him. God help her.

So I hired the best artist of the time. Unlimited funds did have its advantages. It took some convincing to get Rose to go along with this part of the plan but once she saw the reaction that the artist had to her it was a little easier. Granted that was when it got difficult for me. No one should look at her like that but me. I fixed that real quick when I stripped down and he got an idea of my full proportions. I insisted that everything be drawn to scale. I made sure to pay scrupulous attention to detail because this was a training manual after all. I was a bit concerned that whomever Edward decided to share this book with might be intimidated by his shortcomings because let's be honest here anyone else would pale in comparison to me. She was already going to have enough to deal with in that situation but in the interest of accuracy I couldn't bring myself to make any changes of that sort.

Slowly but surely the book began to come together. I would spend any free time I had getting my notes together and performing the tiresome task of making sure that all the descriptions were completely accurate. Sometimes Rosalie and I would have to try something 4-5 times a night. Someone had to make sure that those descriptions were completely accurate. I certainly wouldn't want Edward to get hurt if I missed a step or something. It's all about the details my friend.

Eventually Volume I was complete. Yes, I said Volume I! Once it reached 1,267 pages I knew that my knowledge was not something that could be contained in one simple book. So Emmett's Guide to Sex is what you would call my "Greatest Hits". A compilation of the tried and true, guaranteed to make any woman happy. It was the beginner's manual, kind of like an introduction. Edward would not be ready to move on to the advanced courses for some time. He needed to work on his stamina and his form and this was the perfect way in which to get his ears wet so to speak.

So there I sat, year after year my book gathering dust as Edward continued to meet no one. Too bad there wasn't an easy way to meet your vampire mate…vampire mixer, vampire singles cruise, vampire speed dating, vampire chat rooms. I was getting desperate for him.

Then one day he met her and I felt a glimmer of hope. There was that little issue of her being a human (leave it to Edward to make this task even more difficult than necessary) but perhaps one day he would change her and I would finally get my moment to shine. I was able to be patient. After all there was a light at the end of the tunnel now. So I would just bide my time until the moment presented itself and they needed the book.

I never expected it to occur so quickly and while she was still human to boot but I was never one to miss an opportunity when it presented itself. So here I will share with you the same lessons that I shared with Edward and break down the chapters as I did for Edward. Sit back, relax and enjoy. Please feel free to try whatever strikes your fancy. This is broken down into several chapters and I will admit it is a lot of information to digest all in one sitting so remember to pace yourself.

So without further ado please take a peek inside. By all means feel free to skip ahead to whatever looks particularly interesting to you. For the sake of teaching though I will present in the same format in which I presented to Edward so please feel free to take notes, in fact I highly encourage it. Okay if everyone is ready I will begin with the prologue. Feel free to interrupt at anytime and thanks in advance for everyone who is choosing to join me in this tutorial, I hope that you aren't disappointed.

_Okay…the second chapter will be coming soon. Let me know what you think_


	2. The Slippery Snake

_A/N – Time for the first lesson to begin. _

_I do not own these characters. _

Where to begin…where to begin?

I had originally planned to go through the introductory diagrams as I had with Edward but I am fairly confident that all of you have far more experience in such manners than Edward did. Honestly who wouldn't? So I will skip the whole part where I told him what goes where and so on and so forth. I mean I actually had to break out the dry erase board and laser pointer for the boy. I have far more confidence in your ability. If I am misguided then please feel free to break in at any moment with questions. Any good teacher wants their students to have all the necessary information.

Well since we can now skip the first three chapters (I really wanted to make sure that Edward was properly informed) I will move on to Chapter 4. I wanted to start off with something simple that anyone could pull off. After all he had been a virgin for over 70 years when I wrote this book so I had to be sure that all equipment was in working order. You don't see a pilot fly his plane without a thorough check to make sure that all systems were go. This position incorporates the "pre flight check" if you will into the foreplay. It helps you familiarize yourself with your partner while pleasing them. After all if your partner isn't enjoying themselves you shouldn't be either. (Take special notes on that part okay…always make sure your partner is happy....no ifs, no ands, no buts…ALWAYS.) Sorry, Rosalie insisted that that part make it into the book. You'll see it several times. Apparently she was a little worried that Edward might not remember such simple details when he got started. I on the other hand always make sure my woman has nothing to complain about.

Okay…onword with Chapter 4. Don't let the title scare you off, it really is simple once you get the hang of it. Remember I was starting off small here, wasn't going to start off with something crazy like Pop Goes the Weasel. No…no…no…that didn't even make it into Volume I. So in the interest of easing Edward into this whole thing I choose The Slippery Snake as the first position we covered. It is simple, pleasurable and anyone could pull it off.

Well since I did have so much fun with the laser pointer in the interest of comprehensive teaching I am going to break it out again just to be sure that all the bases are covered. So here goes.

This position can take place in various locations. Bedroom (boring), lake, beach, bathtub, meadow, closet,….well you get the idea. No props are necessary but sometimes a little massage oil can add to the pleasure. Just use it judiciously, a little goes a long way where that is concerned. We won't get into the time when Rose used a bit too much and went sliding off and took out a few trees.

So here are the basics to remember for this one. The girl needs to be on top. It's always nice to let the lady be in charge of such things every now and then. Let me think….massage oil, girl on top, I feel like I am forgetting something important here. Oh yes, in this position a little oral activity is highly encouraged. It's the perfect way to get to know your partner's body and what they like and given your position lying on your back there are quite a few interesting options that could take place. I started to illustrate this on my dry erase board but Edward didn't take too kindly to my detailed drawing of Bella. I swear I think he might be the OP (Original Prude). You think he would have lightened up once he got some but I think he was wound even tighter now if that was possible. Didn't he realize what a pioneer he was though? He was setting the precedent for vampire/human relationships. That was unheard of. Granted this might be the first and last time where this happened and the human actual lived but given the proper instruction he could be a legend in the vampire circles.

Back to the lesson, I tend to get easily distracted at times so just throw something at me if I get off topic. Where were we again? Oh yes…it is very important, as a man it is your job to lay there and let her have her way with you. I mean honestly, does that really sound bad? So depending on what direction she chooses to start from there are several things to cover.

Okay…I really should have gotten some dolls or something to work with to make this easier. Basically the man lays down on the ground like so. Then she slithers up your body (hence snake…I had to explain the similarities to Edward but I think his imagination was distracting him a bit there). If she starts from your feet well then it is obvious what detours she could make along the way. I have to admit that I had a bit more fun than necessary giving detailed descriptions to Edward. Just his reaction alone was worth writing this book.

Okay well if Bella should decide to start her descent from the top and move her way down then the options available to Edward just multiplied. Rose always enjoyed when I nibbled on her neck a bit. I regretted the words as soon as I had said them though and made it clear that Edward should keep his lips away from her neck. That he should probably refrain from letting his tongue anywhere near her. Put a damper on the whole oral angle but I assumed that he preferred Bella alive. I did too, I hadn't had this much fun in years.

Soooo….she's sliding up and down your body. You would think anyone would put two and two together but not our boy Edward. He looked at me slightly dazed. I was beginning to wonder if he was actually ready for sex if he couldn't even realize where I was going with this position. I mean he had pictures right there in front of him. Eventually I just smacked him across the side of the head.

Let me make one thing clear. I am a patient teacher but if you are not going to bother paying attention then I will not waste my time. My time is valuable and my information is even more so. Edward had even more pressure than I had anticipated. Since this was Bella's first experience with sex he had to show that he could do everything a human could and then more. What if she decided that she wanted more and he was unable to perform? That was an unacceptable outcome. Someone under my tutelage had higher standards to live up to. If it wasn't for that whole breakable thing then I would say she should be unable to walk the next day. In Bella's case that would be a very very bad thing.

So, back to the lesson. She is sliding up your body. I'm sure you can see how the oil would add a whole new dimension to this. It is important to remember to use massage oil. It is made for this kind of thing. Don't go spraying her down with Pam or something, you want to make love to her not eat her. Okay, that may not be entirely true in this case but generally speaking it's good form to not attract ants.

Use this sliding to your advantage, remember she is in control but you can use your hands to gently guide her. Take your time at this point. There is no need to rush things, half the fun is in the anticipation sometimes. When she is ready, she will let you know. Help her to be comfortable and then sit back and enjoy the view. That is the pleasure of this position. Not only is she in control but when she is sitting over you, hair hanging down, arching her back, moaning your name…

Sorry, my mind got away from me there for a moment. Honestly though, this position helps to employ a few senses in the act so make the most of it. You are basically at her disposal at this point which is never ever a bad thing. Let her set the tone and the pace, it is important to not take over control.

But believe me, when she is ready to lose control you will know and then it's your turn. Make her scream (okay, maybe not the best idea given Edward's situation, they might want to take this position on the road) and then only after she is ready it's your turn. Believe me you won't be disappointed when she crumples into a heap upon your body. Knowing that you did that to her, that only you can do that to her, it's beyond words.

Edward's eyes were a little glazed over by the end of this. Not because it is anything too incredible but I had a feeling that he could see that I had been thinking about the last time Rose and I had tried this out. We're not always in the trees and on the roof. We do tone it down occasionally. But our toning it down might still be pretty wild for some people.

Okay…so this concludes lesson one. Like I said, we are starting off slow and steady here. There are quite a few more things I went over with Edward but I think this is enough for one lesson. I'll get my plan in order for the next one. Just one question? I'm going to make an assumption here that there are no vampire/human couples out there reading this so I was thinking I might be able to include some highlights from the sections that I forbade Edward from even trying. Let me know, it's entirely up to you. I'm the teacher of course but it never hurts to be flexible (believe me on that one). Okay, time to pack up the laser pointer for today but go run along and feel free to try this out. I look forward to knowing how it went. Also feel free to submit any questions you might have, I'll more than willing to have a short Q&A section at the beginning of each lesson.

That concludes this lesson at this time. See you again soon.

_Okay, this is definitely not the way that I had planned on this story going but it seemed to work for Emmett. Hope you liked it and more coming soon._


End file.
